A Chuckle for Saturday

CASH FOR CLUNKERS..........I QUALIFY
IF MY BODY WERE A CAR...

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish, and my paint job is getting a little dull. But that's not the worst of it. My headlights are out of focus, and it's especially hard to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it --


Almost every time I sneeze, cough or laugh, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires.

CASH FOR CLUNKERS..........I QUALIFY - How about You?

Facebook Reunites

When I first joined Facebook, I really didn't think about connecting with anyone from my past. I was actually just socializing with people I already knew and family.

Then came the games my friends got me hooked on. I can not believe how addicting they can be. I find myself playing 4 different games daily. geez...

Well, this last week, I have reconnected with most of my childhood friends. People I knew from when I was six years old until 18. I can't tell you the memories that came flooding back. The happy times at eachothers houses. Life really was simple back then, wasn't it?

Wiffle ball, hide and go seek, bicycle riding, tag, kickball, pool parties and even collecting lighting bugs!

One of those friends had a great idea and put us all on a email group list. Now we can write to eachother and catch up. Most everyone has written an email. It has been really nice to catch up on our lives...what has transpired since we were all about 18years old.

Has anyone else experienced such a nice happening while using Facebook? I know social sites can cause damage to relationships and I have been hearing that alot lately. It even touched my own life in that way recently, but that's a whole other story...

Alittle Wednesday Humor

I guess I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. I've been home sick and the weather here is awful. Been raining for days, which isn't helping with my mood.

I came across this joke and it brought a smile...maybe someone else out there needs a smile today.

The Italian Secret of a Long Marriage?

At Saint Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husband's marriage seminar.. At the session last week, the Priest asked Mario, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.??

Mario replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I've a-tried to treat-a her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of alla is that I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'?

The Priest responded, 'Mario, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary.'??

Mario proudly replied, 'I'm a-gonna go get her.'

The 'Old' Version of My Favorite Things

How many remember watching the movie The Sound of Music? A timeless classic starring Julie Andrews. A very popular song from that movie was "My Favorite Things".
I'm sure you can hum that tune right now.

To commemorate her birthday, actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special
appearance at Manhattan 's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP.

One of the musical numbers she performed was 'My Favorite Things' from the Sound Of Music.

She changed the lyrics...If you sing it, its especially funny!

Botox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Cadillacs and cataracts, hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunion s,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.

When the joints ache, When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.

I just love a great sense of humor.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2009

When...

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile :0)

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list

14. You actually checked to see there wasn't a #9 on this list.

Have a Great Weekend…

Friday Nite Humor

Every once in awhile, I post jokes or a humorous story to bring a smile or a laugh to you. I believe laughter is good medicine and I personally love to laugh. When something strikes me so funny, I love the feeling I get from just laughing outloud.

This joke found it's way into my 'inbox' and I did chuckle outloud. You don't have to own a cat to appreciate this or even like them. Hope you enjoy this one~

SAYING GOODBYE TO MOTHER

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

The cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon,

'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to takeoff, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!'

The cab driver hit a parked car.

A Humorous Quote for Wednesday

Quote for the day:

Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.

If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.

If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.

So - if you give her any crap, you will receive a ton of sh*t.

Love and appreciate all the women in your life

Can Anyone Relate?

Snapdragons

I just wanted you to know I have entered the snapdragon part of my life.

Part of me has snapped...

AND, the rest of me is draggin!

Optical Illusions

THIS IS A CEILING MURAL IN A SMOKER'S LOUNGE



There's another..below.

BATHROOM PAINTED FLOOR

IMAGINE YOU ARE AT A PARTY...Tenth floor of a hi-rise building...

AND THEN YOU HAVE TO VISIT THE BATHROOM...

You open the door...
NOW, REMEMBER .......THE FLOOR IS JUST A PAINTED FLOOR!

KINDA TAKES YOUR BREATH AWAY.....

DOESN'T IT?





Would this play with your mind??? Would you be able to walk into
this bathroom??? I wouldn't be able to.

Some Tuesday Humor

A friend passed this joke around at work last week and we all got a chuckle from it. Hope you do too.


For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not
wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage,

He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to
secretly have the child.

If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also
provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card,
And write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for
the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey, 'she said, 'You received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said.

The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card,
turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce.'

Do You Believe in Wives Tales?

The other day at work while a few of us were discussing a project, my left palm started to itch. I blurted out...ohhh, I'm going to get some money!

While a couple people looked at me like I was crazy, one person knew what I was referring to when I explained about my palm itching. An old wives tale...

I heard so many while growing up. Our conversation then turned to the tales we've heard. We are all from different backgrounds, lived in different states as kids and it was interesting and fun to hear the different tales we've heard from our parents. We laughed alot at some of the tales we were sharing...

Here's Some:

Drop a spoon off the table and you'll have a visitor

If you Knock over the salt shaker, you have to throw some salt over your left shoulder to ward off bad luck

If your Right palm itches, you'll have a visitor

If your Left palm itches, you'll receive money

If your nose itches, you'll get into a fight

When you hear ringing in your ear, someone is talking about you


What is a Wives Tale?

An old wives tale is said to be much like an urban legend. These tales are generally passed down from generation to generation. Such 'tales' usually consist of superstition, folklore or unverified claims with exaggerated and/or untrue details.

Most old wives' tales are false and are used to discourage unwanted behavior, usually in children.

Here are some tales from Wikipedia that parents might have used on their children. Have you heard any of these?

Handling a baby bird will cause it to be rejected by its parents. False. Most birds have such a limited sense of smell, they can't detect the scent of a human

Habitual knuckle-cracking causes arthritis. False.

Eating faster will make you fat. False

Chewing gum, if swallowed, remains inside your body for seven years. False. Chewing gum is excreted like any other undigested piece of food or stray object swallowed

If you make a face and the wind changes direction, your face will stay that way. False

If you touch a toad, you'll get warts. False

If you have a stye, you must have read or watched pornographic materials. False.

If you sneeze with your eyelids open, your eyes will pop out of their sockets. False

I have to admit, as silly as some of those are, my mom used a few of them on me.

While the subject of wives tales can be superstitious to some, others believe a few they've heard. Coincidence or not, I do really get money after my palm itches!

Well, this subject made us laugh and brought back some memories of our parents and growing up as a child. I hope you experienced the same.

Why don't you share some old wives tales you've heard while growing up. Please leave a comment...

Identity Theft?

A Chuckle For The Ladies...

Three Men on a Hike

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large
raging, violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man
prayed: 'God, please give me the strength to cross the river.'

Poof! . God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim
across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed: 'God, please give me
strength and the tools to cross the river'

Poof! .. God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he
was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: 'God,

Please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the
river

Poof! .. He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one
hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

Just a Thought...

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, wine in the other,totally worn out and screaming... 'WOO HOO what a ride!'

Men Not Asking For Help

How many of us women know a man who refuses to ask for directions? I know it's a long running joke, but I find it to be so true. Don't you?

Your man can be driving the car and you're sitting there full well knowing that you're not heading in the right direction, but still...he continues driving as if he knows exactly where he's going. Meanwhile, you're getting quite impatient, maybe even running late to where ever it is your going, but do you dare suggest for him to stop and ask for directions?

While I was in the hospital, I came across a simular situation that made me burst outloud with laughter. At this poor man's expense I was so amused, but I needed that spot of light.

My doctor told me I had to walk the halls, so my mom came with me. Here I was looking all splendid in my hospital garb, attached to my IV pole, but we set out for a bit of exercise.

As we were walking, we came behind a man holding the hand of his 5 yr old daughter. They were obviously looking for a patients room. As we walked by each room, the man peered in. Not finding who he was looking for, he kept walking.

The hospital hall goes in a circle, so we were completing our first round. The man and the little girl still in front of us. We then hear...Daddy, where is she? I don't know, we'll find her...the Dad says.

Ok, by now my mom and I are snickering. This man passed the nurses station not only once, but twice! He just wouldn't stop and ask the nurses for help in finding who he was looking for.

As we made our third way around, I couldn't believe this man was still walking, peering in the rooms, looking for a patient. The little girl then said...we did this before Daddy, where is she?

By now, my mom and I looked at eachother and couldn't keep the laughter from escaping. My Mom then said excuse me to the man and suggested he ask at the nurses station for help. He looked at her like she had suggested something out of this world! It was just too funny.

Why is it that a man cannot ask for help or directions? It just amazes me...

Have you experienced such a situation where your man just wouldn't give in and ask for help? What did you do?

One For The Girls...

Today I received this in an email and it was so funny, I had to share. Whether it truly is real or not, I'm sure it will bring a smile or even make you laugh outloud.

The email states:
This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to American company
Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling
after the first paragraph. It's PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best
webmail-award-winning letter.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and
I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave
absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing,
and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight,
white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings.
Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it
is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I
feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from
the 'curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting
right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging
through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll
be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with
knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen
quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers monthly
visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating,
puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags,
and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women.
In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her
boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he
thought Grey's Anatomy was written by a bunch of drunken chimps, Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with
homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter.
Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my
body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed
on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you f**king kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager
brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during
a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable?
Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there
will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on
Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the
local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of
glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a
moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something
that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong',
or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there
will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad
business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not
for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullsh*t. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.

Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX

Some Humor For Wednesday

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.


WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."


CIGARETTES AND TAMPON
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.


WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

and my favorite...

The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each
other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,
he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and
see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by
the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

Speaking to Customer Service Rep

I received this email the other day and I found it not only extremely funny, but True! Have you ever had to call a customer service representative with a question, problem etc...regarding your credit card account? My Gosh it can be so draining, time consuming and down right aggravating.

Hope this brings a chuckle...

Now some people are just plain stupid!!!!

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is so priceless, and so, so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.
A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank.

Here is the exchange:

Family Member: "I am calling to tell you she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."

Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

Citibank: "Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"

Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?" (I really liked this part!!!!)

Citibank: "Excuse me?"

Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?"

Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

Citibank : "The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply." (This must be a phrase taught by the bank!)

Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

Citibank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"

Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew."

Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Family Member: "Sure." (Fax number is given )

After they get the fax:

Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."

Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."

Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply." (What is wrong with these people?!?)

Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"

Citibank: "That might help."

Family Member: " Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69."

Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet???

Men (opause)

This came to me by way of an email. I actually laughed out loud when I read it. Can you relate?!


How many women with MENOPAUSE does it take to change a light bulb?

Woman's Answer:

One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no
one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know
that the bulb is BURNED OUT!!

They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the #&%!* light bulbs, despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS!

But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!!

AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO
CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE TOILET PAPER ROLL !!

I'm sorry. What was the question?

The Scent of Clean Laundry

When you were a young child, did your mother hang the wash outside on a clothesline to dry?

Mine did and I remember when she pulled in the clothes. They were stiff from the sun, but they smelled soooo good. Must be why I love the smell of clean linen candles and air freshners. Memories of being a kid in the house I grew up. When Mom changed the sheets on the bed, I remember smelling them and somehow that made me feel good.

I have a 120lb Black Lab/Shepherd. She's my baby and when it's time for me to go to bed, she hops up on the edge of the bed and goes to sleep. I have put a blanket over my bedspread, so it doesn't get ruined.

Of course I wash that blanket quite often, but I've noticed something. Every time I wash her blanket and put it back...my dog smells it, rolls over and buries her head in it. Could it be she likes the smell of clean laundry too?

I laugh every time she does this and it reminds me of being a kid and doing the very same thing.

If I was given a choice of a 'special power', it wouldn't be wanting to fly, be invisible or read people's minds...it would be to communicate with animals. I would love to know what my dog is thinking as she's enjoying the smell of her clean blanket!